Mmmm… Libraries — Simpsons Library Quotes

July 18, 2007 § 5 Comments

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Image from Simpson Crazy

Combine a librarian, a Simpsons fan, a library that owns the complete DVD collection of every episode, this site, a DVR, the sort of surf time that many academic librarians enjoy while working the reference desk during the summer, the upcoming movie and the result is a geeky and kind of pathetic bout of Simpsons mania manifesting itself in the form of this list… Libraries as seen through the lens of the Simpsons… Some of these are surprisingly spot-on, others are marginally relevant, most are just silly. All quotes are from the excellent, though out-of-date, Simpsons Archive.

Library book sales…

Homer: A library selling books? If I didn’t want them for free why would I wanna pay for them?
From “Sweets and Sour Marge”

“Borrowing” books…

Bart: Lisa, we can’t afford all these books!

Lisa: Bart, we’re just gonna borrow them.

Bart: Oh… heh, heh… gotcha! [wink, wink]

From “Dead Putting Society”

Librarians’ salaries – they could be worse…

As Bart leaves the library, he passes by Reverend Timothy Lovejoy who is checking the Bible out of the library for the 450th time in a row.

Librarian: Why don’t you just buy a copy of the bible?

Reverend: Maybe on a librarian’s salary…

From “Bart, the Mother”

Slumping attendance…

Banner at the library:

“THE LIBRARY

THE HIP PLACE TO BE”

Under the banner sits a lone reader.

Lisa: Hey, the new sign’s really working!

Librarian, Mrs. Norton: Oh, it’s been a madhouse, Lisa!

From “Lisa the Greek”

Marketing to the masses…

Banner at the library:

“OLD SPRINGFIELD LIBRARY

WE HAVE BOOKS ABOUT TV”

From “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge”

May I use your phone…

Homer chases his lead to the old Springfield library. He asks the librarian for a Hokkaido, Japan, phone book, and for use of the phone. After assuring the wary librarian that he will only make a local call, Homer stealthily and lengthily dials the Mr. Sparkle factory in Japan.

From “In Marge We Trust”

On being part of the community…

Belle: [Speaking about her brothel]. We’re just as much a part of Springfield as the church, the library or the crazy house.

From “Bart After Dark”

Neon sombrero…

Homer drives down a road.

Homer: Ah, the miracle mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there’s not a single church or library to offend the eye. [spots “Lard Lad Donuts” and its tubby boy statue holding a donut over his head]

First segment of “Treehouse of Horror VI” from “Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores”

The librarian stereotype…

Lisa is watching a movie in which a rico-suave dancer approaches the conservative- looking Lisabella and asks her to dance, much to the disappointment of a Latino-looking Millhouse.

Latino Milhouse: ¡Qué malo! Once again I must sugar my own churro.

Lisabella: But I am just a simple librarian. I have only read about dancing in books.

Dancer: [chuckle] I will show you something that is in no book.

He takes the book she was holding and throws it away, the crowd gasps. The dancer takes her hand and swings her around, knocking off her glasses. He dips her, letting her hair down. Then he swings her again, unbuttoning her shirt and revealing her cleavage.

Lisa: She’s not plain; she’s beautiful!

From “Last Tap Dance in Springfield”

Libraries are not Kwik-E-Marts…

Homer is in the Kwik-E-Mart, and he notices a “Jet” magazine.

Homer: Ooh, Jet! [reads it] Woo-hoo! It’s Garett Morris’ birthday!

Apu: [throwing him out] This is not a library.

At Springfield’s Public Library, Homer is being thrown out yet again, holding snacks and candy.

Librarian: [throwing him out] This is not a Kwik-E-Mart.

From “Marge on the Lam”

Kwik-E-Marts are not Libraries…

Bart rides on his skateboard into the Kwik-E-Mart unaware of that a robbery has occurred and browses a magazine. He then notices Apu behind the counter tied up with his mouth taped. He climbs up on the counter and pulls off the tape.

Apu: This is not a library.

From “The Computer Wore Menace Shoes”

Come again…

The surveillance film shows Krusty reading a magazine (Springfield Review of Books) at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library! If you’re not going to buy that thing, put it down or I’ll blow your head off!

From “Krusty Gets Busted”

The card cataloging…

Lisa flips through the card catalog:

Lisa: Let’s see… Football… Football… ‘Homoeroticism in’… ‘Oddball Canadian rules’… ‘Phyllis George and’…

From “Lisa the Greek”

Lisa flips through the card catalog:

Lisa: Golf… ‘Anecdotes’… ‘Eisenhower and’… ‘fishing’… ‘humor’…

‘Japanese obsession with’… Ah, here it is… ‘Putting’.

From “Dead Putting Society”

Hardy Boys aplenty…

Bart: Dad, what are you doing here?

Homer: Reading about this Edison character. They won’t let me in the big people library downtown, there was some… unpleasantness, I can never go back. Ooh! [reading a pop-up book] Look at all the inventions Edison came up with: the stock ticker, the storage battery, even wax paper! And look at him dance!

[Homer fiddles with levers on the sides of the book, moving Edison’s legs. He does a little scat singing as musical accompaniment]. And, these Hardy Boys books are great, too! This one’s about smugglers!

Bart: They’re all about smugglers.

Homer: No, not this one! “The Smugglers of Pirate Cove”. It’s about pirates.

From “The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace”

The periodicals room is good for something…

Marge is pensive in bed that night.

Marge: Homey, you know, it’s funny. Both my mother and your father seem pretty lonely.

Homer: Hee hee hee! That is funny.

Marge: Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could go to a matinee together, or shopping. Or to that room in the library that’s always full of old people? Um…periodicals! That’s it.

Homer: Marge, please, old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Marge: Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?

From “Lady Bouvier’s Lover”

Juvenile versus young adult…

Lisa: Bart, it’s naive to think you can change a person…except maybe that boy who works in the library…

[flashback to library]

Ralph: Do you have, “Go, Dog, Go”?

Boy: [scoffs] That’s in Juvenile. This is Young Adult.

[back to present]

Lisa: Well-read, and just a little wild. [dreamy] Ooh, if only someone could tame him…

From “Bart’s Girlfriend”

All librarians are robots…

Lisa walks up to a library reference desk.

Lisa: [breathless] Hello, I need “Ecosystem of the Marsh” by Thompson.

Librarian: The last copy was just signed out by…[checks computer] oh, Hugh Parkfield. Oh, there he is. [points]

Lisa: No! It couldn’t be. [a man holding a book turns around; it isn’t Hugh] Phew! [Hugh, who had been bent over, stands up]

Hugh: Thanks for holding my book while I tied my shoe.

Lisa: D’oh!

Lisa walks up to Hugh.

Lisa: That’s the book I need. You’ll probably take forever with it, too.

Hugh: I can read faster than you.

Lisa: I read at a 78th grade level.

Hugh: [opens book, slaps it on a table] Right here! [they both read frantically]

Lisa: [much later] Finish this page?

Hugh: Ages ago.

Lisa: Grr…

Hugh: I’ll get the dictionary.

Lisa: Why?

Hugh: You’ll see when you get there: the word “stochastic”.

Lisa: “Pertaining to a process involving a randomly-determined sequence of observations”. [laughs]

[they look at each other, then embrace passionately]

Librarian: [looking on] Hmph. First they hate other, now all of a sudden they _love_ each other. Oh, it doesn’t make any sense to me.

Man: Of course not, you’re a robot. [the librarian weeps; her tear duct malfunctions and her head melts]

From “Lisa’s Wedding”

Sex in the library…

Under the cover of darkness, the nerds watch as Homer liberally applies super glue to the inside of a bucket.

Homer: [giggles evilly] Oh, this is going to be so great. [scene cuts to a security room, where two guards watch Homer on a security monitor]

Guard 1: I think I know that guy — he ran over the Dean five years ago. Punch up that picture. [second guard displays a photo of Homer, about to swallow a goldfish, on the monitor] All right, now age the picture five years. [the photo grows a long beard. The fish rots down to its skeleton] That’s him! Good work. Now, let’s see who’s having sex in the library.[second guard switches to the library, but all they see is static]

Guard 2: Ah, they scrambled it.

From “Faith Off”

Bats in the library…

Barlow: You know, there are three things we’re never going to get rid of here in Springfield: one, the bats in the public library [scene switch to man opening card catalog and screaming as bats fly out] — two, Mrs. McFierly’s compost heap — [scene switch to huge compost pile and Mrs. McFierly rocking nearby with a shotgun, cackling] — and three, our six-term mayor, [scene switch to Quimby watering a marijuana plant] the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking, spendocrat Diamond Joe Quimby.

Quimby: Hey: I am no longer illiterate.

From “Sideshow Bob Roberts”

Libraries and censorship…

Back at the school, the kids have started burning books in the library.

Bart: So long, Johnny Tremaine. Your Newberry award won’t save you now. [chucks the book into the fire]

Skinner: Not “Huck Finn!” I spent hours crossing out the sass-back!

From “Skinner’s Sense of Snow”

Declining library standards…

Meanwhile, the Mensa group talks about the declining standards at the Springfield Library.

Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.

CBG: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt? [open his jacket to show off his shirt]

Lisa: [reading the shirt] “C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN”.

[laughs] Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.

Frink: Yes, we call that the, “Dennis Miller Ratio.”

From “They Saved Lisa’s Brain”

Consult your library…

Milhouse asks Homer to change the radio station, but Homer retorts that it’s Grand Funk Railroad. No one knows what he’s talking about, and Homer is surprised. Homer drops the kids to school, and they rush out of the car.

Homer: For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library!

From “Homerpalooza”

Library budgets make bad copy…

Back at Kidz Newz, Nelson does the show intro by spinning a globe next to the camera lens and imitating the dramatic music usually associated with newscasts. He introduces the anchor, Lisa. She tells a boring story about the library book purchasing committee slashing it’s budget. Krusty, watching the show on television with the TV station lady, comments “Boring!”.

From “Girly Edition”

Books with cool gory pictures…

Bart: There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you’d like to learn more about war, there’s lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.

From “Bart the General”

They even have periodicals on microfiche…

Lisa searches for new friends, but encounters an old one… the library.

Lisa: A library! … No, I can’t… that’s the old, nerdy Lisa.

[Pippi Longstockings appears]

Pippi: Lisa, read about my adventures in the South Seas, and make me live again!

[New Yorker’s “Eustace B. Tilley” appears]

Eustace: We’ve got periodicals on microfiche…

[Alice (of Wonderland) and the Mad Hatter appear]

Alice: [nervously] Won’t you join our tea party? It would be ever so…

[Mad Hatter pulls a gun and grabs Alice]

Don’t do it, Lisa. It’s a trap! Run! Run!

[Lisa does so]

From “Summer of 4 Ft. 2″

A virtually deserted place…

Lisa goes and says “Thanks.” After a pause, she asks “You guys skate?” indicating Rick’s skateboard. But they can’t, since cops keep on confiscating the boards. So Lisa directs them to a virtually deserted place… the library. Erin and Lisa talk. Lisa says that her “goony brother” reads books, and she usually hangs out in front…

Lisa: I usually hang out in front.

Erin: You like to hang out too?

Lisa: Well, it beats doing stuff.

Erin: Yeah. Stuff sucks.

From “Summer of 4 Ft. 2”

Friends like these…

Marge: Oooh, Friends of the Library is holding a historic manuscript viewing!

Homer: Pff. <Friends> of the library?

From “Realty Bites”

What libraries do with books no one wants…

Marge: Lisa, you’re not buying more than your weight in books.
Lisa: But I have to save them! The books no one buys get chopped up and fed to pigs!
Cletus: Helen Fielding’s giving those pigs Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea!

From “Sweets and Sour Marge”

Library cards…

Marge: You took a new job in a strange town without discussing it with your family?

Homer: Of course not. I wouldn’t do that! [pause] Why not?

Marge: We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and family and library cards… Bart’s lawyer is here.

From “You Only Move Twice”

Libraries make you smarter…

Homer asks if anyone feels like going for a trip to the library tomorrow. Lisa accepts the invitation. The trip to the library is a dream come true for Lisa, who has always hoped her father would someday be her library buddy. She points out that even Cletus has come to check out a book (albeit just to try cracking open a turtle). After the library trip, Homer listens to piano sonatas on the radio while solving a basket of Rubik’s Cube puzzles.

From “HOMR”

El Barto in the library…

At the Old Springfield Library (where there is “El Barto” graffiti on the steps) Lisa consults some books, “The Big Book of Chosen People,” “Views on Jews” and “Jewishness Revisited.”

Bart plays with a Biblical pop-up book (“The Garden of Eden” and “The Great Flood”)

Bart: Agugugug. Glug glug glug. ‘Oh, Noah, Noah! Save us! Save us!’ ‘No!’

From “Like Father, Like Clown”

 

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